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'Touch' is So Much More than Sex

Western society has pigeon-holed humanity's best healing medicine. Get back to your human roots.
Western society has pigeon-holed humanity's best healing medicine. Get back to your human roots.

Decoupling essential human contact from romance


As we embark on the season of celebrating romantic love, I’ve been reflecting on what it means to elevate romantic relationships over all other ones, and what I’ve lost by doing so. Now that I’m divorced, having centered my marriage (and parenting) means I have no long-term platonic relationships outside of my family. Depending on a sole person for intimacy means having all opportunities for intimate contact dissolve when the relationship dissolves. In the words of Kanye West quoting that cop in Spike Lee’s “Malcom X,” “No one man should have all that power.”  

 

One way to cure our dependency on intimate, physical contact is seeking it from our platonic and familial relationships. Hear me out before you judge. Intimate touch doesn’t have to be sexual; it can be affectionate, healing, and yes, platonic. 

 

 

Hugging for Benefits 

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 46% of adults are single. Moreover, there are multitudes of physical and mental health benefits to physical touch—far too many to justify excluding nearly half the population from touch for the sake of propriety or homophobia. 

 

An article about touch deprivation made me less leery about sharing affectionate and healing touch than I had previously. Studies suggest a 20-second hug can significantly reduce stress and boost feelings of happiness, due to the release of a hormone called oxytocin. Holding hands carries similar benefits with the additional boost of reducing pain perception. Regular hugging has also been shown to improve heart health by lowering blood pressure.  

 

We lose many benefits by restricting intimate physical touch to romantic partnerships.

Sleeping next to a partner can help you fall asleep faster and increase the quality of sleep by helping you get to and remain in REM sleep longer. More REM sleep can improve cognitive function by activating the part of your brain dedicated to retaining information. It also improves your mood by assisting with emotional regulation and helps regulate the hormones that influence immune function, while also allowing your body rest and directing its energy to the restoration and repair of immune cells. Basically, more REM sleep helps your body fight disease and stay healthy.  

 

Have I convinced you yet that more sleepovers are in order? We lose many benefits by restricting intimate physical touch to romantic partnerships. I’m not saying you should “sleep” with your friends, but you should consider sleeping with your friends. (There’s a difference.) 

 

A woman friend visited me once while was in my divorce proceedings. It was a vulnerable time for me, and she asked at one point if I would like to cuddle. I misinterpreted her offer. I replied “No,” out of ignorance and a lack of familiarity with the idea that this manner of human contact could occur platonically between friends. As a newly single woman, I didn't understand or appreciate my friend’s gift of platonic touch. I hadn’t learned my body's patterns enough to comprehend the detrimental absence of touch.


The Strategy to Combat Touch “Withdrawal” 

A single friend of mine once shared she had to fight for touch. At the time as a married woman with children, I didn't fully grasp how profound this statement was. As a mom of small children, I often found myself fighting not to be touched, desiring moments where I could finally have my body to myself. 

 

Now as a single woman, I better understand. I have to be strategic about finding healthy touch. My ex-husband and I have joint custody of our cuddly and affectionate boys. In the beginning, I noticed around day four of my boys being away, my skin would feel jittery. It was different from anxiety, which shows up internally for me. I started social/partner dancing and soon noticed the antsiness in my skin dissipating. While social dancing, I would spend more than an hour holding someone's hand, dancing in their arms, and ending most dances with a hug. I probably built up some touch benefit reserves with this new healing practice.


Human contact was never meant to be all about sex.
Human contact was never meant to be all about sex.

Social dancing became a critical part of my touch plan and self-care routine. I placed social dance classes at regular intervals on my schedule, got massages, and sometimes got my hair washed to combat touch deprivation when my children were away. Human contact in the absence of my children was a necessity, and I didn't want to rely on romantic encounters to secure it. Still, I couldn’t help but think many of these things wouldn’t have felt as urgent if I had platonic and familial relationships where hugging, cuddling, and sleeping in the bed together was the norm. 

 

Touch Deprivation: A “Disease” of the West? 

My memories of living abroad led me to question whether our touchless society was a western disease. When I lived in Namibia, the women there would often hold my hand or hold my waist when speaking to me. We often sat so close to each other our skin would touch. Sometimes at night, we washed each other's feet. Platonic touch was in nearly every gesture, which makes sense historically. Most men were hunters and went away and stayed away for long periods of time; it’s possible women leaned into platonic touch because romantic touch was inaccessible. Or maybe the idea of touch being exclusive to romance was never a concept to begin with. Regardless of why Western society relegated touch to sex, other cultures know better, and now so does science.  We must shift back to what our ancestors have known all along: We need each other in more ways than one. 

 


I hope the shift is already happening, particularly as Gen Z young adults choose their own paths. I witnessed a beautiful exchange in a recent social dance class. A group of young women friends were refreshingly affectionate toward one other—hugging, kissing foreheads, and picking each other up. I looked on with pride, knowing what a beautiful and healthy thing they’re doing for themselves by choosing to challenge Western society’s damaging social norms. I smiled, knowing long overdue contact healing was underway.


I hope the next generation continues to find itself in the restorative, loving arms of friendship. 

_______________________


Shanina Carmichael is a wellness advocate and a Black woman who loves to write about her experiences learning, unlearning, healing, and evolving. She is the mother of two beautiful Black boys.

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