My house my rules: teen vs. dishes
A non-traditional Black parent faces her fears in a power struggle with her son
“Opposites cure.”
I find myself reflecting on this Ayurvedic principle when managing conflict. In loving conflict it is rare that you can cure anger by embodying it and returning it. In other words, you cannot fight fire with fire.
I put my hands on my oldest the other day. I never wished for my discipline to take this turn. It was the first time since he was probably 2 years old that he had received physical discipline. It was around the time he learned the word no. However, here we were back at it.
The truth: My fear is that boys that are not afraid of me will not abide by house rules, and as they become bigger and stronger than me, I could lose control if they don’t fear me. But I don’t believe that.
This time he used “no” when I instructed him to do the dishes. He was upset about an earlier punishment I had issued. His electronics were gone. He could no longer go trick-or-treating. So he thought he would refuse all other requests I made.
Since my children do not receive physical discipline, I’m sure his logic was :what’s the worst that could happen” if he refused my request. We had been here once before. That time, I decided that I would not strike him.
But this day was different. Emboldened by his teenage hormones, and his little sculpt physique granted by his consistent workout regimen, he decided that today was a good day to test his mother’s gangster. He probably forgot it existed after all of our nonviolent years.
He refused to do the dishes. I began to count down. He interrupted me, “Keep counting. I’m not doing them.” My response: “You will do them or you will get out of this house.” He responded, “I’m not 18. You can’t put me out.” I began forcibly, nudging him toward the door. He grabbed my arms and dug into his stance to resist the nudges. The nudges turned into shoves. Shoves became grabs. I physically pushed him out of the door and locked it.
My adrenaline pumped. I couldn’t believe how fast that escalated. However, it wasn’t mindless. I had determined that if it ever came to this, this is how I would respond. But it was something very different to declare it and then actually follow through. I was a little jittery and concerned about the possible options he could take.
What if he walked off in the dark?
What if he spent the night outside?
Why wouldn’t he just come in and do a few dishes and avoid the conflict in its entirety?
But it was no longer about the dishes. It was about power and control. Who had it and what shifts were possible based on how I handled this situation.
Fortunately, he opted to hang out on the deck, staying visible. His nosey-but-caring little brother checked on him and gave me updates. He even brought a blanket to his older brother after he threatened to sleep outside.
After 20 minutes, I unlocked the door and reiterated he was welcomed to re-enter once he was ready to wash the dishes and be a cooperative member of the household.
He stayed outside for another hour before I heard the doorknob jiggling and pots and pans rustling in the kitchen. Either his higher order thinking came back online after a needed pause or the mosquitoes chased him to the sink; either way I was relieved he eventually made a good decision.
As my son approaches his young adulthood, I must admit the incident scared me a bit. I heard a lot about how a time comes when your children will test your reins. I have even heard of moms giving custody to fathers when the defiance became unmanageable. Honestly, that leap into a fear-based future projection scared me and probably directed my behavior more than it should have.
My children and I have built a foundation based on open communication and logical consequences that didn’t involve physical discipline. It is important to me that my sons have a voice, but my decision would be the final say. I felt like this foundation was cracking. In that moment, it felt like the foundation was crashing, and I had to do something drastic to scare my son into compliance. I’ve never wanted compliance to be rooted in fear. I’ve always wanted it to be rooted in understanding. I never stopped my children from voicing their opinion, but I knew that these children who were raised on logic would eventually discover that they have free will and do not have to abide by the rules if they are willing to suffer the consequences. This moment awakened in me the decision to create extreme consequences to maintain control through fear.
After the shoving, my body was a little sore. I didn’t want this for my body, nor do I want this for our relationship. but what is the other option? “Parent out of love and not out of fear.” A quote from my uncle emerged in my consciousness. “What am I afraid of here?”
Am I afraid that I will lose control of my household?
Why are you afraid of that? Because there isn’t a man here to manage the raging hormones of boys who are growing into men?
Will I be enough as they get older and stronger?
I had trouble finding alternatives to violence as an alternative to addressing noncompliance in reasonable requests.
The truth: My fear is that boys that are not afraid of me will not abide by house rules, and as they become bigger and stronger than me, I could lose control if they don’t fear me. But I don’t believe that. I believe fear is false evidence appearing real. This is the only evidence I have of this type of behavior. He is a good kid. This is not his typical behavior. How many other examples do I have of him making decisions based on courage, consideration and respect for himself and others. I could think of plenty. and it brings me back to “opposites cure.” If my son is angry and doing the best he can with his puberty-rattled-and-under-construction brain is meeting fire with fire the best answer?
Maybe it is meeting fire with compassion for him and myself. I let him know that I get that he’s upset that he won’t get to hang out with his friends and get free candy, but the disrespect and refusal to cooperate in collaborative tasks that keep our home running smoothly isn’t an option. “You can have space and the time to yourself to cool down, but I expect the dishes to be done before you leave the house in the morning.” I can give this a try before violence. Then he gets to be loved in his anger and not abandoned for it. He gets to let his hormones get the best of him in this new state, but he also learns how to navigate them in a way that doesn’t create undo consequences for others. And I get to stay right here in the present and parent this teen navigating puberty and not the grown man he has yet to become. I get to learn compassion and boundaries as a mandatory dance of parenting a teen, and I get to pause long enough to choose my own parental path forward without unconsciously falling into patterns out of fear.
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