How Black Women Learn to Shrink Under Toxic Gratitude Culture

From our work cubicles and boardrooms to the halls of Hollywood — Black women leaders chafe under the unspoken rule to expect and accept less   

When Cynthia Erivo wanted more for herself, “they” called her ungrateful. Now look. image credit: Shutterstock  

When superheroes must be grateful for the opportunity  

My mother once shared how a long-overdue promotion was finally handed to her in a crisis — a classic example of the glass cliff effect. Even after she rose to the challenge, she was expected to remain humble and grateful for an opportunity she had more than earned.  

For many Black women, hard work is more than just a value. We are taught early on success requires humility, softness and a performance of thankfulness.  Research on toxic gratitude is still emerging, but many of us see the pattern clearly, especially in the lives of Black women who dare to lead or expect more. 

Emmy, Grammy, Tony-award-winning singer and actress Cynthia Erivo was catapulted to the spotlight after her strong performances in “The Color Purple,” “Harriet” and “Wicked,” and most recently “Wicked: For Good.” Her ground-breaking accomplishments have since been celebrated but, also permeated by the assumption she should be thankful for “breaking barriers.”  

In an Elle U.K. interview, Erivo expressed: “I would voice wanting more for myself, and people would shut it down. Or tell me that I was ungrateful, that I was looking down on other people,” which fits into  gratitude culture; pressuring Black women to shrink, hide ambition or swallow dissatisfaction so we don’t look like we’re asking for ‘too much.’ 

Kelechi Okafor, British‑Nigerian author, actor and podcast host recounted a request for free labor from Tiffany Haddish in exchange for exposure. In an Essence piece headlined “I’m Not a Grateful Black Woman,” she says, “It just really hit me ‘cause at first, I thought, wait, am I the only one that this happens to? But it seems like no matter where you end up in society as a Black woman, you’re always expected to be grateful to be there. Look, fam, I’m not a grateful Black woman. I’m grateful to the divine. I said, I’m grateful to God for the opportunities that come my way. I’m grateful to my ancestors that continue to ride with me every step of the way, but me, be grateful to an institution? No.” 

Gratitude culture ensnares mere mortals, too  

It’s not just in Hollywood where Black women face the pressure to perform the

emotional labor of gratitude, it’s in our workplaces too. Kemi Towolawi says, “We had just scored a large outsourcing project that brought in (still brings in) significant revenue for the company, and because of the part I played in the success of the deal, HR approved a salary raise for me. When the news came out, a senior colleague made a comment saying, 'Make sure you show appreciation. Many people are working harder and haven’t been rewarded,' which was such a weird thing to say, but I overlooked it.” But overlooking it didn’t make it end.  

“Later, during a casual conversation in the office, someone else said, 'Kemi, people fought for that increase for you, don’t forget.' And then it started to feel heavy to have normal interactions, as if every move I made had to demonstrate gratitude for something that I had clearly earned through my performance.” 

Food and wine journalist Margo Gabriel also says, “As a Black woman working internationally — especially as a journalist and creative in Europe — I’ve often felt an unspoken expectation to be overly grateful for opportunities I’ve rightfully earned. Whether it’s being invited to moderate a panel or contributing to a publication, there’s sometimes this undertone that I should “prove” I deserve to be in the room rather than simply be recognized for the value I bring. I was the food and drink columnist for “Time Out Portugal,” and a restaurant invited me to have lunch with the owner of the business and their publicist. I was the only Black person at the table, and the restaurateur looked over at me across the table and asked, ‘How did you get your job at “Time Out Portugal”?’ I was stunned and then felt the need to ‘explain’ myself, sharing where I went to school and that I hold a degree in professional writing. That encounter shocked me, and the sting of microaggressive behavior was jarring.” 

To the question of what self-assurance or standing in our worth looks like after experiences with gratitude culture, Elohor Egbordi, a Black woman in academia, answered, “It means being unapologetically me and taking up space because I deserve to be there. I’ve worked hard to earn my place, and I won’t be humble about it. I’ll do the work, and I’ll blow my trumpet.”