Part 1: When I nearly died without a will, my daughter was 5
Planning for care and planning for death are two different jobs. Your family needs both.
In 2013, I found myself on an exam table in Austell, a suburb of Atlanta, headed into emergency surgery. I’m an estate planning attorney. I had spent years telling families exactly what to put in place before a crisis. And in that moment, I had no will, no power of attorney and no plan for who would rear my 5-year-old daughter should I not make it through surgery and something happened to my husband who was traveling.
The gap between those who do and do not have a plan is bigger in communities of color, particularly the Black community. Urban Institute researchers, using 2020 Health and Retirement Study data, found nearly 70% of Black homeowners over 50 with children have neither a will nor a trust.
I survived. However, not everyone in my family got that chance to learn the lesson in time.
My grandmother had a stroke at 92 in Miami with no documents in place. Her sons spent precious months fighting various entities just to act for her. They lovingly cared for their mother until she transitioned five years later, peacefully at home in her own bed. The fight should have been over, but because grandmother didn't have a will or trust, my father and his two brothers had another three-year battle with probate and most of what she and my grandfather had built was gone to taxes and fees.
Those two stories taught me the same things. I was a parent who could have died. She was a matriarch who lived, but could no longer speak for herself. Neither of us had a plan and our families paid for it.
The gap between those who do and do not have a plan is bigger in communities of color, particularly the Black community. Urban Institute researchers, using 2020 Health and Retirement Study data, found nearly 70% of Black homeowners over 50 with children have neither a will nor a trust, compared with about 35% of their white counterparts. Researchers at Boston College's Center for Retirement Research found Black households are less likely to have a will even after accounting for factors like wealth and education. So this isn’t only about money. It’s about how we talk about planning and who we think it’s for.
In many of our faith communities, planning is quietly mistaken for a lack of trust in God. I see it differently. Stewardship is how we love the people we are responsible for. We buckle seat belts and buy insurance and still pray. Planning is part of the prayer.
Have two plans, not one
Most people hear "estate planning" and think only of what happens after someone dies. That is half the picture.
Caregiving planning covers what happens while someone is still living but can no longer manage their own medical, financial
,or personal decisions. It usually includes a durable financial power of attorney, a health care directive, a HIPAA authorization, living-will instructions and a clear plan for who will coordinate care.Death planning covers what happens afterward. That means a will or trust, beneficiary designations and, for parents, nominations of guardians for minor children.
The two overlap because families often face incapacity first and estate administration later. But they do not substitute for each other. A will generally does nothing while you are alive and incapacitated. A power of attorney generally ends at death. My grandmother's family needed the first kind of plan, then the second. They had neither.
The power-of-attorney problem no one warns you about
Many caregivers tell me the same frustrating story: "I have power of attorney, and the bank still won't talk to me." It is common. Financial institutions may require their own forms, a review period, a certified copy, proof the document is currently effective or sign-off from their legal department.
Two more surprises catch families off guard. A power of attorney doesn’t automatically open protected medical information. For that, you generally need a HIPAA authorization. And the Social Security Administration does not treat a power of attorney as authority over someone's benefits. A family may instead need to apply to become that person's representative payee.
None of this means the documents are worthless. It means signing them is the first step, not the last.
What to do before the crisis
Use documents prepared for your state and execute them correctly, with the required witnesses and notarization.
Give copies to the institutions while the person still has capacity and ask each one what it requires.
Keep a current list of accounts, contacts and where originals are stored.
Ask for the legal or document-review department if a representative refuses a valid document. Do not stop at the first “customer service” answer. That extra phone call can make a real difference.
In many of our faith communities, planning is quietly mistaken for a lack of trust in God. I see it differently. Stewardship is how we love the people we are responsible for. We buckle seat belts and buy insurance and still pray. Planning is part of the prayer.
In 2013, I got a second chance, and I took it. I wrote the documents I had been drafting for everyone else. My daughter's guardian was named. My family knew where to look. If you are the one who holds everyone together, the strong one, the mother, the caregiver, the family anchor, please do not wait for your emergency room moment.
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